Take a peek into our chaos

Photo by Devin Avery on Unsplash

It’s a normal morning at work. A random thought enters my head.

What is today? It’s Tuesday and the mental gymnastics begin.

Does 7 have any extra dance classes tonight? I need to check the phone calendar. Yes, she does.

What normal classes does she have tonight? I check the handwritten color coded schedule on my desk. Everything, it’s her long night starting at 5 pm. I keep the handwritten schedule on my desk so it’s quick and easy to find. I don’t have to spend the extra 2 minutes scrolling through my phone for the picture I took of it back in August.

I need to send Mr. Chaos the schedule for tonight so he remembers to get 7 ready for dance before picking 5, 6, and 8 up from school and me from work.

What time does she have to be there, again? 5 pm.

What day is today? I look at my computer and find out it is Tuesday.

Does 7 have to wear a special leotard? I look at the schedule on my desk again. No, that’s tomorrow.

7 will need a big snack before the rest of the school pick ups and picking me up from work.

What are we eating for dinner? I check my meal plan/work hours log. Waffles and fruit.

On Mondays, when I write up my tentative work schedule I meal plan for the week. It makes it easier to quickly reference my work hours and what we eat for dinner. My work hours directly affect what we eat for dinner along with the dance schedule.

Dinner – Waffles and fruit. Do we have all the groceries needed? Do we have a meat because 5 doesn’t like waffles and she can’t only eat an apple for dinner.

Do I need to go to the store and when can I go? I can’t do sausage because 5 recently stopped eating sausage and only likes bacon.

Do we have bacon? I don’t remember.

Is there something else that she can eat just in case I don’t have time to go to the store and when will I have time to go to the store?

Wait, we have ham. She will just have to eat that even though it’s not her favorite.

When am I going to make dinner? Oh, no, I need a ride later tonight so I take Mr. Chaos the van after dance, since we have one vehicle. That is a higher priority than dinner.

Today is Tuesday, 2 can usually pick me up but I need to see when she gets off work. Will I be able to clock in at work for some extra hours? I am so far behind in my current project.

I send a quick message to 2 asking, “When do you get off work? and can you pick me up from work?”

I have to pick Mr. Chaos up in the middle of the night if I can’t find a ride to drop the van off. We work for the same company so its easy for me to clock in and get some extra hours while waiting on a ride. If the schedule permits.

20 minutes have passed and I need to get some actual work done.

While I am working more thoughts pop up. Wow, It’s freezing in here. My fingers aren’t working and its getting difficult to type. I have to go potty but I really need to get this work done. My fingers are frozen, I cant work like this. I can go potty and warm my hands up in the bathroom. I am falling behind even more at work. I need to focus.

On the walk to the bathroom, I realize I haven’t sent Mr. Chaos the pick-up schedule for tonight. If I don’t do it soon then he will forget or get mixed up.

Also, I need to see if I need him to go to the store for dinner? Oh, wait does he have time. It might be better if I just figure something out at house.

Oh, yeah. I already figured it out. I’m making ham. I quickly type up a schedule for Mr. Chaos and check in on his progress for the day. Couple things checked off my daily to do list. Back to work I go.

An hour later. More internal questions interrupt my work flow.

When will we eat? How long will it take to cook? Will I need to cook in-between 7 and 8’s dance classes?

Do I have a ride yet? I need to check my phone. 2 can pick me up and she gets off at 10 pm. That’s good. I have all the time sensitive stuff taken care of and I might be able to squeak in some extra work hours.

I focus so much better at night after hours. Nothing distracting me or breaking my concentration that lets in all the thoughts swirling around in my mind.

Back to work. I need to get this done ASAP.

I should do a can drive for 7’s dance fees. When was the last time I updated 7’s current fundraiser? I opened my phone and I received 3 text messages and 2 posts on the dance team app, 15 emails mostly spam or things I can handle later.

One text message from Carter’s advertising their sale, one text message from Mr. Chaos asking about a password, one text message from my mom needing to talk.

I check the dance team app and they sent out new extra rehearsal dance schedule for next month and something to do with costumes. I make a mental note to deal with both later. I send Mr. Chaos the password he needed and tell my mom I can try calling when I get off work.

Focus, Mrs. Chaos!

I go back to work, again.

Dinner, I figured it out. We have everything at home. So no store tonight. Do I need to get off at 3:45 or can I work later? I check my hours for that day and for later that week. Do I have an appointment this week? Who has the appointment? What time is it?

Whew, no appointments this week but I did over sleep and got in late. Can I trust myself to get up the rest of the week on time and be able to leave work at 3:45 since if I am late this I will have to work later than 5:30 on Friday. Do we have any plans on Friday?

I need to focus on work!

My stomach growls. It’s almost 11. I drink half my tea so my stomach can quit growling. I need to work until 11:30. Then I can eat and finish my full timeline for tonight.

11:23 am. Close enough. I’m starving. I start to scribble on a tiny post-it. 5 minutes later and a ton of erasing and starting over. The schedule is set for the night.

I walk to the lunch room. Toss my container into the microwave hit a random amount of time and zone out watching tiktoks.

With warm food, I sit back down at my desk. Starving. I clock out because I just realized I forgot to before heating up my food. I take a couple bites and start working on my work project. I get sucked in and was clocked out longer than planned.

It’s okay and I feel guilty about not being focused like I wish I could. Quick updating of my work log and I take a few more bites of my lunch. It’s cold now but I am used to it.

A new email from the lawyer. My heart starts racing. I take deep breaths and repeat, it will be ok. It’s not the end of the world. We have court-ordered temporary custody. It can’t be the end of the world.

I opened the email and it’s nothing important. Just updates. How do I convince my heart that every email or every thought regarding a big change doesn’t warrant a panic attack.

I was getting 8-10 a day and I know logically there is no reason but my brain convincing my body to listen doesn’t work.

I research the quickest way to control panic attacks. I spend about 15 minutes but I have 3 options and I write up post its with the steps. I stick them to my work monitors for quick reference.

Back to work. I manage to make it to the end of the day without losing focus after the last hiccup. I clock out for the day and the exhausting part of my day starts.