Take a peek into our chaos

The day has come. It was the morning of our first adults only family therapy session with Mr. Chaos’ ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1. 5 and 6 asked for a session that included us and their mom.

5 and 6’s therapist thought it would be best to do an adults only session first. She wanted to see how we interacted and see what each parent would like to accomplish before adding the children in the mix.

The kids were off to school with no fights. The morning went surprisingly well. We made it to the main therapy office in record time. We pulled into the little parking lot and I took a deep breath to settle the nerves.

Mr. Chaos looked over at me, forced a smile, and told me he was starving. I laughed. We didn’t have time to eat that morning. We debated, do we have time to go somewhere to grab something or not? We decided against it. We were early for a change and didn’t want to ruin it by leaving.

Mr. Chaos and I walked into the main therapy office. We checked in and were told that it would be a few minutes once the other party arrived. We sat down and enjoyed a few minutes of peace before the drama began.

Sesame Street was playing on the TV in the waiting room. Children’s artwork was hanging on a large wall. In the corner of the room, a little boy was playing with toys. As I looked around, I could tell it was an office for children. I glanced over my shoulder and saw ex-wife 2 drive by the main door.

It began…

Of course, they ignored us as they entered the office. They are ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1. We found out the day before that grandparent 1 will be attending our session to “support” ex-wife 2. Even though she is a grown woman in her 40’s.

They checked in with the front desk. Naturally, They chose seats that had us looking at their backs. This will be the first time that I will be face to face with ex-wife 2 for more than mere seconds in over 6 months.

The last time was under not-so-great circumstances. It was at the end of 5 and 6’s only unsupervised visit with ex-wife 2 in almost 2 months. I answered a frantic call from 6 screaming that she is going to get them. We only live about 5 blocks from each other. They were running away from her towards our home.

I drove up to the sight of 5 and 6 hiding in the neighbor’s bushes and her vehicle parked in the middle of the road and her car door wide open. They ran to my vehicle, got in and we left with a few words spoken between us. It ruined any future chances of 5 and 6 willingly being alone with her.

We were called upstairs.

There was a second waiting room upstairs. I tripped going up the stairs on my long skirt while trailing behind Mr. Chaos. I felt like the universe was telling me to calm the f*** down. This was the first of many adult only family sessions and it was about to start. I already knew that if I talk, the less productive the session will be. I needed to be cautious and choose my words wisely.

Ex-wife 2 hates me with a capital H. We grew up together and she knows I’m a good person and work hard to be a great mother. I’ve been a step mom to 5 and 6 for almost 8 years. The only girlfriend of their fathers since the split. I’ve been good enough to help raise and pay for 5 and 6 for the last 8 years but I’m not allowed to speak up and be heard.

Mr. Chaos and I reached the second waiting room first.

The therapist let us into a basic conference room with a list written in dry erase marker on a wall. I guessed, starting points for the session. Mr. Chaos told the therapist that ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1 were on their way up. Mr. Chaos mentioned that he didn’t understand why grandparent 1 was there. the session was for the parents not grandparents.

The therapist explained that it was either ex-wife 2’s husband or grandparent 1 to get ex-wife 2 here. The therapist looked at us and said, “Ex-wife 2 couldn’t understand why her husband couldn’t come.”

The therapist was baffled that she didn’t understand why her child sex offender husband couldn’t come here and pointed around. We were in an office specifically for children. He was a large part of why we were in this mess. The therapist rushed off to greet ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1.

They entered the room with scowls on their faces and sat down across from us.

The therapist introduced herself to them and took her seat at the front of the table directly under the writing on the wall. Ex-wife 2 started the session with, “I have one question,” directed at the therapist, “When do you see 5 and 6?”

The therapist went through when, how long, etc. Ex-wife 2 started strong with playing ignorant. The therapist had already gone through all this and Mr. Chaos had sent a message stating all this information.

The therapist went through some ground rules. Then asked if anyone had anything they would like to add. Mr. Chaos asked to keep everything focused on how to help 5 and 6 moving forward and not to go into the court case too much.

Mr. Chaos recently filed for a custody modification. We know that ex-wife 2 had forced 5 and 6 to lie about being around her husband. While in town, Her husband stayed at ex-wife 2’s home during her parenting time.

They have a nontraditional marriage. Ex-wife 2’s husband moved back to his home state a few years ago and ex-wife 2 developed a lie that 5 and 6 were to tell us. They were to tell us that husband hates our state and is never coming back. To make it “easier” on them so they only had to remember one lie.

Ex-wife 2 stated, “I have another question. What was the catalyst? What caused all this to happen?”

According to her, the kids and her had a healthy parent child relationship. What caused her well adjusted children to act like this. She knew it was Mr. Chaos’s fault. He had to be manipulating them or coaching them or forcing them.

Her children had no issues and she couldn’t understand what was going on. What made her children decide one day out of the blue to not feel comfortable with going back to her house.

5 and 6 told us, that ex-wife 2 and grandparents hate us and never have anything good to say. 5 and 6 don’t feel that they are able to freely talk about their lives in our home. They have learned over the years to never bring us up at all or it will upset their mother and grandparents. Then add in the lying about the husband.

Why would any child, want to be subjected to that if they had a choice. At the point in time, we only knew about the lies, a trip to meet the husband, a couple over nights after he was off probation, lack of hygiene and the overall disdain of us. We found out more since then. It’s heartbreaking.

“I just want to see my children,” Ex-wife 2 yelled and started to sob.

Grandparent 1 agreed that she just wanted to see her grandchildren. They will do whatever is needed. In my head, I thought as long as they control everything about it and 5 and 6 thoughts and feelings don’t matter.

Mr. Chaos was trying to put words together to respond to ex wife 2’s question regarding the catalyst. I could see he was struggling because he was furious and was trying to stay calm. The therapist, Mr. Chaos and myself know that there is nothing well adjusted with 5 and 6 or normal or healthy about their parent child relationship with ex-wife 2.

I looked at him and asked, “Would you like me to put words to your thoughts and help you out? “

He replied,” Yes, thank you.”

I carefully chose the words I used. We don’t want to go too far into the court case and give ex-wife 2 time to prepare more lies before the temporary matters court hearing.

In our state, it can take up to 9 months or longer when filing for a custody modification. At the same time, we filed for an emergency hearing. The court didn’t grant it but they did grant a hearing for temporary matters. It will address our concerns until we are able to go to court for the final modification.

I stated, “We found out through a 3rd party that her husband had been around 5 and 6. We didn’t feel it was safe for them to go back. 5 and 6 explained to us that they were also uncomfortable with him and not comfortable going back to ex-wife 2’s house.”

I could feel the daggers coming from ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1. I may have said more or less, I don’t fully remember. When put on the spot like that, I have to be careful. I tend to say things without thinking.

This is a very stressful and anxious time for everyone involved. I know that everything said, is being dissected by the therapist. I know that it can and will be used in court.

Mr. Chaos brought up the option she could have lunch with 5 and 6 at school and asked her why she hasn’t contacted them to do that. She looked at Mr. Chaos and yelled, “I’VE BEEN BUSY. I HAVE TO WORK.”

Ex-wife 2 and Mr. Chaos agreed, in the mediation ordered for the temporary matters, that she is able to have lunch at school with them. She had contacted the school earlier in the year to do that, but both of the children refused.

A few weeks later, 6 agreed to a school lunch in exchange for ex-wife 2 approving a game on her phone. In 6’s eyes, the lunch didn’t go well, but according to ex-wife 2, it went great. 5 and 6 do not want to have lunch with her, but she hasn’t tried, even though it was an option for her.

She sobbed some more.

We know for 9 days, while her husband was in town; She rarely left her home.

Mr. Chaos and I sat there during the majority of the visit allowing ex-wife 2 space to speak, well, have a pity party of one. With every question or comment, ex-wife 2 responded with yelling or crying or both.

Ex-wife 2 repeated over and over the same song and dance. It’s not fair to her. She doesn’t understand how we are where we are despite the many attempts of the therapist to explain to her, she is the problem.

How can a mother marry a child sex offender and think it wont affect their custody? How can a mother have her children lie for years and think it wouldn’t affect their mental health? All rhetorical questions, she isn’t a mother that puts the well-being of her children first.

Ex wife 2 hurled another accusation. According to US Cellular, nobody from our numbers had contact with 5 and 6. No phone calls or text messages.

All 3 of us looked at her confused. She continued. According to US Cellular, the only communication would have to be through a 3rd party app like Snapchat or similar.

Mr. Chaos and I told ex-wife 2 that we had been contacting them mainly through their phones. Ex-wife 2 has complete control over their phones. She would have to approve of the apps downloaded on their phones.

After the many futile attempts of ours. She kept repeating herself and the therapist chimed in, “I personally have seen 5 message her dad. I have to tell 5 to put it away. Both of them are constantly messaging their dad throughout our sessions.”

Ex-wife 2 doubled down and said, “Well, US Cellular told me there was NO activity on their phones between them.”

We have entered the Twilight Zone…

Ex-wife 2 restated that she just wanted to see her children. She sobbed and cried. Its not fair Mr. Chaos is controlling everything. She hasn’t seen her children in months.

We all know that’s a lie but I think she is so delusional that she believes it. She has texted them, she has went to lunch at school, she has seen them supervised and unsupervised. 5 and 6 want nothing to do with her. The contact she’s had so far is because Mr. Chaos and I are constantly trying to convince them. It gets so frustrating keeping a calm, supportive demeanor while she is sobbing and blaming us for her f***ups with them.

At some point in the session, the therapist started talking about 5 and 6. She attempted a sibling session. They fought all through it and she wont be doing that again anytime soon she said with a chuckle.

I laughed and started smiling because I know how they get when they try to keep attention on themselves. Mr. Chaos laughed and smiled. Ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1 just sat there with no expression. It became apparent that ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1 were not there for 5 and 6.

It’s so sad when a parent or grandparent can’t see past their bitterness and they cause hurt to their children/grandchildren in the process of hating the other parent.

The therapist asked about setting up a phone call and the first visit. We came with 3 names: my aunt, 1 (the oldest) and a family friend. Ex-wife 2 and grandparent 1 shot them down. Grandparent 1 seethed at me, “All family”.

I responded, “No, family friend is not a family member.”

I looked at ex wife 2, “Family Friend, you know 6’s ex-boyfriend’s mom.”

Ex-wife 2 looked at me like I spoke in a foreign language.

She was crying and said,” I don’t think it’s fair that he controls everything,” pointing at Mr. Chaos.

I said to her, ” We offered 3 people. How many do you have?”

I looked at grandparent 1 and asked, “Could you please stop giving me dirty looks?”

Grandparent 1 responded with, “What, I’m just looking at you,” with a sneer on her face.

I looked back towards ex-wife 2 as she wiped away tears and whispered, “I have a co-worker.”

Grandparent 1 is disgusted because she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t do it. She had been watching 5 and 6 for the last 12 years.

Therapist asked when the soonest we could get a visitation on the books. What is everyone’s availability. I pulled out my phone, Ex-wife 2 is just looking away and crying some more.

I say we have availability that Sunday. The therapist has her book calendar out and looking at the date I threw out, it’s in 3 days. Ex-wife 2 is still staring off and wiping her tears.

Grandparent 1 makes a comment about how they have a huge, yearly holiday party at a family member’s house. It’s that Saturday.

Ex-wife 2 whispers, “I already told you it’s too soon.”

Grandparent 1 continued to speak, “I can pick them up and we would be with all the family. They have never missed a year.”

I internally made a mental note to ask the 5 and 6 about it because they haven’t talked about that, ever. When I got home I asked and they haven’t been in years. 5 said the last time they went, 6 was so young that she wouldn’t remember.

I spoke up and said that it’s 1, 2, and 4’s birthday party on Saturday.

During the entire exchange, ex-wife 2 sat there, not talking or doing anything except looking away and wiping her face. I will never forget. The therapist leaned toward ex-wife 2 and said, “We are doing this NOW.”

She points to ex-wife 2’s phone and said, “Pick up your phone and check your calendar.”

The therapist told Ex-wife 2 that she had until Friday to follow up with specifics or the visit wont happen. Mr. Chaos agreed with her co-worker supervising to show good faith that he is trying to co-parent with her.

The session ended.

My speaking did cause issues. The tension was so strong. As long as I kept my mouth shut so did grandparent 1.

So many lies to wade through, I don’t remember the actual timeline of everything that was said during the session. So many untrue accusations from ex-wife 2. I did so much deep breathing and swallowing of words. I didn’t want to derail the session anymore that what it had been.

All ex-wife 2 did during our 60 minute family session, was cry and yell and blame Mr. Chaos. So little was accomplished that the therapist was not comfortable having a session with the children and parents without a few more adults only sessions.

We achieved 2 things in a 60 minute session. Ex wife 2 was having a video chat later that day and tentatively set up her first supervised visit with the mediation agreement rules reiterated. YAY! sarcasticsly speaking.

The next session is coming up soon.

Ex wife 2 took all the attention on herself with her victim mentality. We will see what happens next. We have lived so much in the last few months. We had to move on and figure out our new normal beyond survival mode.

This session showed how much ex-wife 2 needed to be in control. It wasn’t about 5 and 6 or how to co-parent for their benefit. Its was about being “fair” to ex-wife 2 when she deemed there has been an impropriety but only when her husband and other child is away.

We have one more adults only family session before the temporary matters hearing date. If ex-wife 2 doesn’t focus on the 5 and 6 at that session, I don’t think she ever will. I want her to be a safe person for them. Her to be more than just an egg donor.

I want us to be able to be co-parents. 5 and 6 will have so many wonderful special occasions in their lives. They deserve to have a harmonious family.

When we go to the next session, It will be 3 months into this journey. For 5 and 6’s sake, I hope she is more willing to work with us. I don’t see that happening but one can hope.