Take a peek into our chaos

Photo by Hennie Stander on Unsplash

In our state, the minimum time to get divorced is 3 months. Someone files, mediation happens, the judge signs off, and BAM, you are divorced. If children are involved, add something called the child in the middle class, and you are good to go. Most divorces that I know about, even if there was fighting, were done after the court-ordered mediation. Most people I know can’t afford a trial, let alone months of mediation and hearings.

Mr. Chaos and Ex-wife 2’s Divorce.

Mr. Chaos had mediation for temporary matters, a temporary matters hearing, trial mediation, and a 2-day trial. You would think there were thousands of dollars and properties galore attached to their names. Maybe it was a 2-decade marriage.

Nope, together for 4 years and married for 2. They split for a couple of months and lived separately before trying a second time. They lived paycheck to paycheck and still ended up in a 2-day trial. Ex-wife 2 was not compromising on custody of 5 & 6. She wanted him to pay in exchange for 50/50 custody.

Separated but still living together

Mr. Chaos and his ex-wife established a 50/50 split routine regarding their children, 5 and 6. He never skipped a night. Every other weekend, he would leave and stay with me or another friend to give his soon-to-be ex-wife her space. She wanted him out, her reasoning being that it would be awkward to have Mr. Chaos sleeping downstairs if she wanted to bring a guy home, but he was already gone through the weekends. Was she talking about the weekdays?

Ex-wife 2 first tried to lock him out of the family home, then subsequently had her dad try to force him out. Mr. Chaos had been the majority of the bills, and his check was directly deposited into a checking account that only she had access to. She wanted the check but not the man.

The apartment that never existed.

In the following 6 weeks, he took control of his finances. He secured an apartment. The apartment to this day, ex-wife 2 said never existed even though she had been there and during the divorce trial saw his lease.

The apartment that she has tried to forget about so much that 5 has asked questions about it for multiple years. He furnished it just enough for 1, 5 & 6 to be comfortable, but he was on a tight budget.

Ex-wife 2 kept all their household belongings except for a TV, TV stand, and his PS4. He requested some clothes and toys for the children. She gave him all mismatched clothing and toys with fingernail polish covering them. He did get 1’s comforter set off her bed. Small victories.

What was supposed to be the first night.

5 & 6 was to stay with Mr. Chaos at his new apartment for the first time. We drove to her parents to pick up the children. I parked across the street, while he went up to ex-wife 2’s parents’ home.

A few minutes later, I heard yelling and screaming and threats. He left that night without them and the very next day filed a petition with the court for a temporary matters hearing.

He told me that the girls were standing at the door when he knocked. His soon to be exFIL started to curse and scream at him. The girls started sobbing for him and his soon to be exMIL grabbed them and took them into the back of the house.

Parenting time withheld another day.

The next day, Ex-wife 2 ignored his phone calls. Nobody was home at her parents house or her house. He let her know through text that he filed a petition with the court and she can’t legally keep the girls from him.

Magically, Ex-wife 2 didn’t trust him with the girls.

For 6 months while separated but living together, as long as she got his check, he was able to take care of the girls on the schedule they both agreed too. The second he moved out and cut her off financially, she hid 5 & 6 from him and told him she doesn’t trust he can take care of them.

So from the time they were born, He took care of them while she had “girl’s night” every weekend. He took care of them while she went to the gym multiple days a week to work on herself. Took care of them for hair and nail appointments. He took care of them when she locked them out of her bedroom because it wasn’t her “day”. When the money became attached to how many overnights she had, she didn’t trust him.

She was served with temporary matters paperwork.

The following week on his scheduled time, He picked up 5 and 6 with no problems. Come bedtime, Ex-wife 2 showed up at his new apartment trying to get the children. (Remember, the apartment she said never existed and has tried to re-write history with 5 & 6. Yeah, it existed.)

She didn’t approve of him keeping them overnight. She only approved for a couple hours in the evening. He told her that he will drop them back off the next morning at her parents and will continue to get overnights on the same schedule that they had while he was still living in the home.

He never missed any more parenting time.

For parents out there, when separating always have a place for your children when you move out of the family home. Never skip overnights. Always stay in contact with the other parent. Always ask to talk to the children and keep it about the kids or things pertinent to the divorce. Keep a clean break and uphold boundaries. If the other parent withholds them. Go to court immediately and file for temporary matters, if you have already filed for divorce. Unmarried parents, get the paperwork started right away. Do not wait when it comes to your children and your parenting time. Ask questions, call lawyers for free consultation, try law clinics, keep calling people until you know what to do next. I’m not a lawyer and this is my personal opinion but I’ve gone through it and watched others go through it.

Ex-wife 2 withholding information.

When 5 started pre-school, it should have been a fun and momentous time but Mr. Chaos was left in the dark. He didn’t know the start date or teacher’s name. He didn’t even know the school she was going to.

I knew where most the kids went to preschool since it was where 4 went. I told him to call and see if she was enrolled there. He was still their dad and the school had to legally tell him.

He called up and yes she was enrolled there. He added his name to 5’s file and got her teachers name. He requested a second set of all paperwork. (I apologize to all the teachers out there by adding more work for you but a parent has to do what a parent has to do.) To our surprise, 5’s pre-school teacher was a friend of mine. He never missed out on anything again, or so we thought.

The following June, We found out that 5 had a preschool graduation that he missed. Ex-wife 2 pulled all the paperwork out of the backpack so he had no idea. We were at 2’s 8th grade promotion when he should have been with 5. With large families, we understand sometimes you divide and conquer.

He can never get that back. Since then, he has never missed anything big or small but not because Ex-wife 2 did better. We just got better at finding out information and the schools started doing a better job at communicating on multiple platforms. (Thank you to technology.)

Temporary Matters.

Ex-wife 2 refused mediation for their temporary matters and a few weeks later a hearing was held and Mr. Chaos was awarded 50/50 physical and joint legal with the same schedule they’ve had for roughly 7 months until the divorce could be finalized.

The months went by and I became pregnant and Ex-wife 2 calmed down. The holidays came and went and final mediation was getting closer. We were hopeful that ex-wife 2 will agree to continue 50/50 and we all could move on with our lives and save some money on lawyer’s fees.

Divorce Trial Impending

Ex-wife 2 refused to continue 50/50 and was still not budging during the one last attempt at mediation. A trial date was set and Mr. Chaos got ready for battle. His lawyer assured him that he will continue to have 50/50. Just keep doing your best to co-parent with ex-wife 2 and take care of your kids.

I was roughly 7 months pregnant and we got engaged even though we knew we couldn’t get married until his divorce was finalized. Say what you want about us but she had moved on and so had he. She just wanted to drag out the divorce for custody in turn for child support.

Will trade kids for cash.

One night Mr. Chaos received a text from Ex-wife 2 offering 50/50, again. She wanted him to pay her $1,000 a month in child support and she would get full legal custody. He turned her down. Children are not possessions to be sold.

He was already paying $800 a month for his oldest at that time. He explained to her that he couldn’t live off of roughly $400 a month and be able to support the children when he had them if he agreed to that. She got mad and messaged him, “Don’t you think dads should have to pay for their kids?”

Parents do have an obligation to financially support their children.

At the same time, parents should support, love, and guide their children. With healthy co-parents, it’s important to foster a relationship with both parents.

The Trial

The divorce trial took two days. Witness after witness. Mr. Chaos had a few friends including me. Ex-wife 2 had her parents and one friend who has never seen Mr. Chaos interact with the children or seen ex-wife 2 interact with the children. She was the bar hopping friend.

It was a long drawn out process that didn’t prove any parent to be better than the other. Mr. Chaos took care of the girls and at that time, I truly believe Ex-wife 2, also, took care of them.

Thousands of dollars later.

The judge ruled to continue the schedule, joint legal custody and everything else split right down the center. After all the missed work and lawyers fees, ex-wife 2 walked out with $50 a month in child support. The most he would have ever had to pay would have been only $132 per our states guidelines due to his other child support obligations.

Shortly after his divorce was finalized. His lease was up from the apartment that 1, 5, 6 and him shared. Once I gave birth to #7, They all moved in with 2, 3, 4 and me. Life was stressful up to that point but little did we know that was the calm before the storm.

Fast forward to next year.

Mr. Chaos and I moved up our wedding to increase our chances of getting a loan for an addition. Debt-to-income ratio was too high and all that fun financial stuff. The addition was something that I have been working towards for years. I was almost there.

We were married and 3 months shy of applying for a loan for the home addition. I already had ideas of what I wanted. I had been dreaming about it for years. Space for all my kids, now I need more than ever.

2, 3, and 4 were excited. We had been talking about an addition for most of their lives. 3 weeks after the wedding, Mr. Chaos was served with garnishment paperwork for $16,000. I was devastated.

15 years of dreams were shattered.

The paperwork didn’t make sense. It was a garnishment with the divorce decree as a judgement but ex-wife 2 wasn’t owed any money. Ex-wife 2’s name was crossed out and her mother’s name was hand written in.

No way this was legal. Couldn’t be.

We had no money. We had just spent every penny and then some on the wedding. They were seeking for childcare expenses that Mr. Chaos had no idea about and a personal loan from ex-wife 2’s mom. It made no sense. Eventually, everything was tossed and more lawsuits were filed. Those were tossed.

The lasting effects of bitterness.

I couldn’t answer the phone or hear a knock on the door without my heart racing. To this day, it takes courage to get the mail and my phone at my work is not plugged in from when debt collectors were calling me there. That is another part of the story that needs its own post. Maybe even multi-part series.

7 years later we are close to the addition, once again. After last year, we had to postpone due to the court modification we just finally finished. We now have 5 & 6 full-time.

Rose colored glasses.

We didn’t see it. We both knew what ex-wife 2 was capable of but in all honesty, I thought she loved 5 & 6 more. As toxic as she was/is, I thought she attempted to put them first.

As a mother, I will do everything in my power to provide for my kids without spoiling them. I thought she was selfish, but I didn’t realize she would hurt her children to get back at Mr. Chaos.

Parents, love your children more than you hate their other parent. Your children will thank you later.

Yes, divorce sucks. Yes, divorce changes you and if you allow, you can become such bitter, nasty, person that you can’t see past the hate. But do what you need to do to get over it. Go to therapy, have a girls night out, join a support group. Be the bigger person. Don’t take no sh*t but do what you need to support your children.

I promise you, if you do, you might actually be able to get along with the other parent for major life milestones. How nice would it be to watch your child get married and they don’t have to worry about what parent is sitting where? Or on graduation day, both of you get to support your child without them choosing who they celebrate with. Bite your tongue and be a grown up even if that other parent doesn’t do the same. Babies don’t stay babies for long, they eventually grow up too. Be present and fight for them. They will know who has their back and who will manipulate them. Intervene if they are being abused but never speak ill of the other parent.