Take a peek into our chaos

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

It was a crazy night. I was hoping for 5 and 6’s sake it would be a good time. It was the first time in over a month they were unsupervised with their mom. Short story. She had allowed contact between them and her sex offender husband. Then for 4 years, she had them lying to their dad. It was a big step for them that took a ton of encouragement from us and their bio-mom played nice. That night she shattered what little trust they had left.

5 & 6 went out on a ledge to agree with an unsupervised visit.

5 sent a text to ex-wife 2 while she was in school about wanting to dye her hair. Over the next few days, with texts between 5, ex-wife 2, and Mr. Chaos, plans were made.

Ex-wife 2 was to take 5 and 6 to get their hair dyed. They would also have dinner on Thursday night. This was a significant step for them. For more details, visit The day our lives changed

Mr. Chaos found out the day before that the appointment had to be pushed. I knew that most stylists can’t take on 2 drastic colors last minute. No matter how good of a friend they are, they can’t handle such requests on short notice.

5 and 6 were upset. We moved on thinking the plans for Thursday were canceled and rescheduled for a later date.

Photo by Samuel Angor on Unsplash

Thursday Morning

Mr. Chaos received a snippy text from ex-wife 2. It included a screenshot from 5, 6, and ex-wife 2’s joint calendar. 5 or 6 made an event and called it “getting hair dyed and maybe dinner with mom”. Since she wasn’t supposed to be making plans with 5 and 6 directly, she asked Mr. Chaos if they still wanted to have dinner with her.

5 and 6 were willing, and Mr. Chaos asked if she agreed with the boundaries that he, 5, and 6 had set for her. He also inquired about the plans for the night and future hair dyeing session. He asked whether one evening would suffice or if she would need more time.

She answered a few questions but not all of them. When responding, she ignored the future hair dyeing session question but told him that she doesn’t agree to “his rules”. But that this visit was not about that, and she would agree with them this one time.

The boundaries communicated to Ex-wife 2:

#1) Please keep the visit light-hearted and fun. Don’t bring up the court stuff. Don’t ask a bunch of questions about what was going on. Don’t ask when they are coming back to her house or willing to spend more time with her.

#2) No husband. They don’t want to see him or talk about him.

#3) No grandparents. They don’t want to see or talk about them.

The boundaries were necessary for 5 and 6 to feel comfortable being alone with her. Mr. Chaos filed for custody modifications due to new information we just found out a few weeks earlier.

Only 3 boundaries that Mr. Chaos and the children wanted held. That’s it.

Kids should never be put in the middle of adult situations.

An 11- and 12-year-old should never have to be in such a situation. They should not be asking a parent to keep adult things between adults. Yet, here they are.

There was a lot of convincing, and they had support from us. I promised I would be on call for the entire 2 1/2-hour visit, ready for whatever they needed from me. Mr. Chaos would be at work full of anxiety.

5 and 6 didn’t know the extent of our anxiety. They just saw loving and protective parents wanting them to have a good relationship with their other parent. We were willing to do whatever was needed. They were optimistic but knew their mother rarely put them first. Her feelings were usually the priority.

Thursday night, a normal crazy weeknight.

We rushed home from school. 5 and 6 were doing their chores. 7 was getting ready for dance and 8 was running around somewhere playing. I made piles of dance shoes and leotards that 7 didn’t like anymore and things she grew out of. 5 and 6 finished their chores in record time. They were ready to go. I was running slightly behind. I was emptying 7’s dance duffle bag to hang the leotards I was trying to sell.

7’s dance studio was having a huge dance wear and dance shoe sale at their studio. Parents showed up with what they wanted to sell and other parents shopped while their children attended class.

I kept an eye on the time by the living room clock. I thought I was doing a good job staying on task, only a few minutes behind schedule. Only for 6 to let me know what time it actually was. I found out at that moment that the clock batteries needed replaced. I frantically ran around, getting the ginormous duffle in the van along with loading up 5-8.

I pulled into ex-wife 2’s driveway at 4:50 and told 5 and 6 to have fun.

I’ll keep my phone close but most importantly, have fun. They were excited and a little nervous which was to be expected. I was hoping for the best but prepared for the worse.

The first red flag.

I received a text message from 6 @ 5:32 pm.

She told me that it’s going good just also going a little bad. 6 told me that her mom was asking weird questions. I told her if she doesn’t want to answer just tell her. Ask her to change the subject. 6 messaged back, “alright.”

I let 6 know that if she doesn’t stop, I will call Mr. Chaos and he will call her mom and tell her to change the subject.

I didn’t hear anything else from her. I was standing outside with a dance duffle full of dance wear and shoes. 7 and 8 were playing with some other children at the sale.

When the sale was over, I packed up the leftovers. Then rushed 7 to her class. I continued to check my phone and it was quiet. I had become hopeful.

As a stepmom, I just want the best for 5 & 6. I never tried to take ex-wife 2’s “place”. I treated them as my own children but left all the decisions up to Mr. Chaos. Ex-wife 2 hates me and it didn’t matter how much of a back seat I took. I never do it right. Life of a stepmom.

Back at home.

While putting up what didn’t sell. I realized I hadn’t checked my phone in a little bit. It was 7:02 pm and I see text message notifications.

My heart is racing, and I am pacing back and forth while my texts load. I start mentally preparing myself for the worst-case scenario.

Where are the kids and how fast can I get them in the van.

7 is at dance but 8 is relaxing watching TV.

My messages finally load and I skim a text from 5 and text back “take a breath”.

Then I send, “I am coming.”

I quickly read that ex-wife 2 was asking a bunch of questions that smashed the boundaries that were requested. They are usually innocent questions from a parent but not in our situation.

We are in the middle of a custody fight.

Ex-wife 2 has pushed a relationship between 5 and 6 with her husband. He is a sex offender. Up until recently, he wasn’t supposed to be around them at all. No contact with minors due to his status.

The worst part is that their mom had been instructing them to lie to us about their extensive contact with him over the last 5+ years. She even fabricated lies to make it easier for them to remember, among other things.

And it came crashing down…

The 7:00 pm text message from 5 told me that Ex-wife 2 was asking to see 5’s phone, to stay the night, come back another time, asking why they were mainly with Mr. Chaos. 5 and 6 felt uncomfortable.

7:01 pm text message sent from 5 said that Ex-wife 2 said she was the bad person and 5 wanted to be picked up. Guilt tripping and manipulation at its finest.

The Phone Call

As I was rushing out the door to put 8 in his car seat. My phone started ringing. 6 called first and before I could answer it she hung up and 5 was calling. My phone was trying to connect to my Bluetooth and I was panicking. I was trying to get out the door to get to them.

When I was able to put the phone call on speaker, all I heard was 5 yelling for me to pick them up. I told her that I was on my way. She told me that she and 6 were running from Ex-wife 2.

Do you know what it’s like to hear your children screaming for help and you are minutes away? They are with their mother. Someone who carried them in her body and promised to protect and love them.

“SHE IS GOING TO GET US!”, They were screaming into the phone. I could hear it in her voice that she was running.

5 asked me, “How far away are you?”

“I am in the van already and driving your way. I had to get 8 in his car seat. I am a block away.”

She kept telling me that they were uncomfortable and wanted to come home and that their mom was getting closer and was going to get them.

I told her again, ” Take a breath, I’m coming.”

I knew the route they would take if they were running home. Ex-wife 2, her parents, my parents and I all live within a 1/2 mile of each other.

Children hiding in the bushes.

Ex-wife 2 was parked in the middle of the road.

As I drove up, I saw her door wide open. She wasn’t in her car and but standing on the side of the road looking at 5 & 6.

They saw me from their hiding places in the brush line and came running to the van. The neighbor, in whose yard 5 and 6 were hiding, was on the phone walking towards them at that time. She saw them climbing into the van, turned around, and walked inside.

Ex-wife 2 came stomping over attempting to speak to me.

With all the adrenaline coursing through my veins, I am kinda fuzzy on the details. I remember thinking, I don’t have time for you, I need to make sure 5 and 6 are safe, and I need to call Mr. Chaos and that Ex-wife 2 looks exactly like her mom when she is mad.

I put my hand up and I told Ex-wife 2. “It was almost time anyway.”

She got huffy and said, “No, not really, it’s only 7.”

7:30 pm was the agreed upon time for her visit to be over. Close enough. She did enough damage already.

At some point, Ex-wife 2 mumbled she didn’t do anything wrong. She was only trying to take them to their dad’s house.

Typically, healthy, well-adjusted children at 11 and 12 years old don’t run away from their parent for no reason. Typically, well adjusted mother doesn’t marry a child sex offender and have her children lie and cover for her for years, either. Ex-wife 2 still to this day denies she ever did anything wrong and she never had the children lie. Even the judge saw through her.

She got in her vehicle and shut her door. It allowed me space to drive forward without backing up and making a bigger scene. I turned on the next street and parked to call Mr. Chaos at work.

The following is 5 and 6 telling of what happened that night.

They started their unsupervised visit by giving their dog a bath.

Afterwards, They talked about what they were going to do that night.

Their mom asked who made up the boundaries. She wanted to know why she had rules for her visits and their dad didn’t. 5 and 6 don’t remember what they told her . When 6 asked her to change the subject she did. (That was when I 6 texted me.)

She took them to eat dinner at a newer chicken fast food place. Then went shopping at a local big box store. They were each given $20 to spend.

They went back to her house and the questions started back up. They were questions that busted through their boundaries. 5 and 6 no longer felt safe and comfortable with her.

At one point, she was on 5’s phone looking through her contacts. She saw 5’s girlfriend, Ava, as a contact. 5 said she had a mad look on her face.

Their mom got a phone call from her husband. She answered it and told him that she had the children and would call him back.

Why would he call? For the first time in 6ish weeks, she was alone with them. He is a major reason they were no longer safe at her home under her parenting. He is a registered sex offender with an offense against a child aged 0-13. He is not a safe person and Ex-wife 2 allowed contact and required affection towards him. She told 5 and 6 to lie to cover up the contact. That if they didn’t cover for her, their dad would take them for forever and never see her again.

Next, She wanted to look through 6’s phone.

6 asked, “Why?”

Mom, “I want to see your phone.”

6, “Why?”

Mom, “I bought it so why can’t I see it?”

6 stood in the hallway from their living room to the kitchen and didn’t respond.

Their mom asked, ” Do you just want to go back to your dad’s house?”

6 didn’t answer and started getting ready to go back. When she was done she turned and looked at her mom. Then asked her, “Are you going to take us back to dad’s house?”

She screamed at her, “NO.”

5 heard her mom yell and came back into the kitchen/living room where they were. Their mom was pacing around and mumbling about how she is the bad guy and she did nothing wrong.

6 told her mom that they would just walk. As they started out the front door, their mom yelled, “Get your ass back in here! You aren’t going anywhere!”

At that point, they took off running. As they were running up the street, they could hear their mom yelling, “Are you fucking kidding me.”

She gets in her car and starts driving after them. Yelling at them to get back in the car and she is taking them to their dad’s house.

Neighbors stopped them and asked if they were ok or if they needed help. 5 told me that she couldn’t even respond. She could only run and call me. She didn’t process anything that was going on. Only that she didn’t believe her mom was going to bring them home. She thought her mom was going to kidnap them.

This all happened from 7:00 pm until 7:03 pm. I checked my phone at 7:02 pm and was parked around the corner from the scene in under 3 minutes. It seemed so much longer than that.

Phone call to Mr. Chaos –

7:03 pm Ex-wife 2 called Mr. Chaos.

7:05 pm – 7:09pm I called Mr. Chaos.

7:09 pm 6 called Mr. Chaos.

7:23 pm Mr. Chaos called 6 first then me.

Later that night, Ex-wife 2 messaged 5 about her chicken. 5 responded that she didn’t want to talk and didn’t want the chicken. It was like nothing happened.

The next day Ex-wife 2 did send a huge text. Not apologizing for her actions but apologizing for how the night ended. A grown women, a mother of 3, couldn’t see how her actions caused the response. She denies she never did anything illegal. Having her husband around the girls AND leaving them unsupervised with him is illegal. She is a master at living in delusional state.

The Aftermath.

We are almost a year from this incident. Luckily, 5 and 6 started individual therapy a couple of weeks previous to this night. The minute Mr. Chaos did not send them back for Ex-wife 2’s parenting time, they started therapy.

We knew they had needed it for years but Ex-wife 2 didn’t agree. If a judge is going to be mad about Mr. Chaos keeping them, then he can get mad for him unilaterally putting them in therapy.

Ex-wife 2 and the children have not been alone since. They do not trust her to put them first. They do not trust that she has their best interest at heart. They don’t believe she will ever put in the work needed to have a good relationship with them. They know she isn’t sorry for anything she put them through. According to her, she never did anything wrong and doesn’t deserve how they are treating her.

Ex-wife 2 and the girls have done 9 family therapy sessions. They are not in a better place than where they started. Mr. Chaos and her have done 2 sessions and nothing was accomplished. I believe because the therapist and Ex-wife 2 are in denial. Another long story for another day.

We had a trial for the modification. It was 2 very long emotional days that were scheduled during 7’s & 8’s recital week. I know, I am still processing everything since there was no down time.

The great news, Mr. Chaos was awarded full physical placement and Ex-wife 2 has to jump through hoops for a step up plan.

The best news, Ex-wife 2’s husband has strict no-contact rules. If they ever break them again, we get to go straight to court. Ex-wife 2 goes back to square one in her step up plan.

For those who don’t know what a step-up plan is, it’s a guideline of what a parent’s visitation will be. When they hit different goals they get more time/unsupervised time/overnights etc. It’s nice so people don’t have to go to court every time a modification is needed for the changing situation regarding custody.

Unfortunately, she broke what little bit of trust they had in her that night. In the last 10 months hasn’t done anything to repair the damage. We just encourage them to keep a space open in their hearts in hopes Ex-wife 2 miraculously sees the damage she has done. Then choose to repair it. We know in our hearts she won’t put in the work but Mr. Chaos and I can dream, too.