Take a peek into our chaos

Photo by Eilis Garvey on Unsplash

What to write about our family… What is so special about us? Raising them wasn’t easy and didn’t always come naturally. A lot of hiccups but I think we just kept trying and I am talking about the big kids and now they are the adult kids.

Respect

We didn’t expect our kids to love their step-siblings from the get go but be respectful. We didn’t expect our kids to love their new step-parent but be respectful. I tried to make sure each kid felt seen and heard. As much as I possibly could while growing our family.

I know I epically failed on some fronts. I know, I didn’t do everything perfectly. If I could go back, I would do so many things differently but I think that is a part of parenting when parents truly want to do their best.

Keep Communicating

With blending a family and adding new babies can be rough. It can cause issues and as a parent you don’t want that but real life, real talk. Nobody is perfect. No family is perfect. No parent is perfect. No child is perfect. There are always issues but how you handle the issues matter.

Take the time and explain to your children that they matter and their opinions matter but things look a little different now. Explain to them that frustrations are normal and you don’t have to like their new step-parent, their new step-sibling or even like that they have a new half-sibling on the way but they must respect each other. Use step or half with your best judgement we can debate using the phrases another day.

Take the little moments that you can show them how special they are what they bring to the the new family. Show them how great it can be as a part of the new family. Don’t push the idea of one big happy family on adjusting children. They need space and time to come to terms their life will be different for the rest of their lives.

I’m not a professional and I know I made mistakes, but I did my best with what I thought I would have wanted as a child, and I did a lot of googling, too. Just make sure you are on reputable sites. Anyone can post online (I am a nobody and have this blog).

The Adult Chaos Crew

Our adult Chaos Crews includes 1-4. They range in ages from 24 to 18. 3 girls and 1 boy. The ones we learned how to parent and step-parent and probably f**ked up more than we liked to but I hope they know they are loved and wanted and wish we could have a do-over.

I know, Mr. Chaos should have put more effort into being her father a lot sooner than he did but 1 recently told me she doesn’t blame her dad. She knows that I do blame him for not being there when she was younger like he should have been.

He was a grown man being manipulated into not having a fully functioning relationship with his daughter. No excuse. I know it’s kinda harsh but it is what it is and how I feel.

When Mr. Chaos and I met, didn’t know about her. We were just acquaintances and it wasn’t until we became friends that I found out about her. He had parenting time every other weekend, but it wasn’t exercised as often as it should have been. I think he was still figuring out how to be a dad, and someone needed to give him some blunt advice.

That person ended up being me. Once I found out about his situation, I told him that there is no excuse he is missing visitations. None. I don’t care that she lives 45 minutes away and the mom doesn’t communicate. There is a standing court order for parenting time, his butt better be at pickup every other Friday. Let the mom know that his daughter is expected to be ready for pickup. He never missed another visitation after that. Sometimes parents need some tough love, too.

1 moved in with us during her senior year. Her mother had been falling deeper into her addiction and 1 needed to be somewhere safe. That somewhere safe was our home with her father and siblings.

Growing the Family had bumps

That year was a challenge and not my finest moment. It wasn’t her fault, I needed to be better and do better as a step-mom. I got pregnant and couldn’t be the best stepmother I could be due to a major illness, if that is what it is called. I have hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancies. Putting it plainly, it’s excessive nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. It can become a life-or-death situation if not treated properly.

Life was absolutely miserable for me. Mr. Chaos and I hadn’t lived together through a pregnancy yet. He was spread thin with all the kids under one roof half the time and her and 7 full-time. I had such high hopes for that year with her, and I feel like I failed miserably.

She is in her 20’s doing well. She has a good steady job that she seems to like. She lives pretty close with her boyfriend and comes to all major holidays and majority of the little things too. My POV, she is still finding her way but knows she has a place in the family.

She is very much a dog lover and has 4 of them that are high-maintenance. I had to leave work recently to help find 2 of them. The little brats were found 3 houses down trapped in the neighbors fenced in the backyard. 3 of them are runners that like to explore but their almost an acre backyard isn’t big enough for the 20 lb ankle biters.

She struggled with anxiety starting in her middle school years. I know she didn’t have a good relationship with her dad, and I couldn’t fix it for her. Her first high school boyfriend did a number on her and the second and the third. I should have stepped in sooner, but it was shortly after her dad and I split. I was trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat.

Co-parenting journeys can start out rough, and unfortunately, the kids feel the pain. Luckily, over the years her dad and I started to get along great. I prefer his new wife but I can handle him, too. One big, happy, odd family?

She is the 2nd oldest and in her 20’s. Her fiancé and she recently bought a house a short drive from our home. She is a pharmacy tech and still not sure what her career goals are. She is young, and there is nothing wrong with changing careers in your 30’s. Her dad and I both did it.

After a conversation, he told me that he wants the basics for life. New underwear, socks, shoes, and toiletries for his birthdays and Christmas from now on. He likes not having to worry about buying that stuff, and if he really wants something, he will buy it.

He lives with my ex-husband, so he has a nice checking account balance from having little to no wants or needs. Most of the family are trying to get him to branch out and make friends that are not behind a video game or discord thread. (I should really research exactly what that is. LOL)

3 did college for a little while and decided against his childhood career choice. He quit school and works nights in a warehouse until he can figure out something that he really wants to do. He didn’t want to waste any more of his time or money on college for something he chose from thin air while he was a child.

I believe he is on the autistic spectrum. I had a motherly gut feeling when he was a baby/infant and into toddler hood. I was under the impression that since he makes eye-contact, he can’t be autistic. Information has changed dramatically in the last 15 years. This momma Googles, a lot.

Only time will tell with him and what he chooses to do with his life. He is only 20 and still has a long life ahead of him.

She was the only kid that needed complete silence to sleep. Even the tiniest of noises caused her to scream. Our home is only 2 bedrooms and she had one of them to herself in attempts to keep her pacified at night so we all could get some sleep. It didn’t work but I tried.

In elementary school, her teachers called her the peacekeeper for her classmates. She struggled in middle school, and it continued through high school. Between friends, anxiety, health issues and struggling in schoolwork, she ended up going fully online her senior year. Always advocate for your children! I allowed her schoolwork struggles to be swept under the rug all through elementary because she was always in the gray area. and the teacher assured me that she will pick it up eventually.

If it’s a problem in elementary, it will continue. Each grade builds on what they learned the previous year. So if they struggle with addition, they will struggle with subtraction and that goes to multiplication and division…It all builds on each other and the next thing you know they are failing algebra because they never understood the basics. Be their advocate!

She is floating through life right now but she is barely an adult and I want her to be a child still, while she can. I don’t expect her or any of my kids to know what they are going to do for the rest of their life’s other than do something that makes them happy.

My ultimate goal as a mom is to raise happy, healthy children that grow to be responsible, content yet motivated adults. I want them to be the best version of themselves and learn and grow for the better. Not settle but be grateful for everything they have. A lot, I know.

What We Learned

1-4 are the Adult Chaos Crew. The first half of 8. The ones we learned and grew up with. Mr. Chaos and I became not only parents for the first time with them, but also learned how to become a blended family.

Google has become my best friend. Pinterest and family blogs are my besties. When in doubt, I just think about what I wanted and needed as a child and do my very best. I came from a very dysfunctional blended family. Yet another story for another time, If I decide to dive into that.

I wake up trying and go to bed trying. When it gets exhausting, I remember that even though I have done this 3-4 times already, this child is experiencing it for the first time. I try to tailor my parenting approach for each child and their needs. My job as a mom is to do better when I know better. Ignorance isn’t an excuse and ignoring problems will only lead to possible no contact later. Own your mistakes. Your children want to love you but once they are adults and no longer depend on you. Nothing is forcing them to stick around.

Our Marriage & Parenting

I won’t lie, it’s draining and I don’t take enough time for myself. Mr. Chaos and I are not perfect and we are both working through our own baggage from our past.

Our marriage is not perfect. What we always 100% agree one, is our children. We love them and only want the best for them. No matter what we have going on, We will ALWAYS go to battle for our kids.

2 is tying the knot

With 2’s wedding coming up, we must have done some things right. 2 hand-picked jobs for all her siblings. She has six bridesmaids, two of which are her siblings, one step and one full. She has 2 ring bearers that are her half brothers, who have become best friends, one mine and one from her dad. 3 is an usher. 5 & 6 are guest book attendants and she is tossing around the idea of them being jr. bridesmaids. 7 is the flower girl. She also wants Mr. Chaos to walk her down the aisle. We haven’t broached the subject with her dad yet, but the thought counts.

Holidays, Birthdays, Vacations and all those special moments.

I feel so lucky that I am able to get my entire family together for more than a couple of times a year. Do I wish they all could come for everything? OF COURSE, but I get my children in one place at least monthly. All 10 of us and we get yearly family pictures. We aren’t perfect but there’s love and respect and a bond that some fully biological families don’t have. Mr. Chaos and I are some of the luckiest parents.

Tidbits of Parenting Advice

• Love your children more than you hate your ex.
• Don’t expect a perfect blended family, that doesn’t exist.
• Trust your gut & research like hell when you aren’t sure.
• Every child deserves to be treated as if they are first, they are not their siblings.
• Don’t expect love, give and expect respect and let the love grow from there.
• Treat your child like you would want to be treated.
• Leave space for their other bio-parent and family.

Take my advice or don’t. I am a nobody from the Midwest just raising my fifty-million kids.