Take a peek into our chaos

Photo by Eugene Triguba on Unsplash

If you are in court right now, you have a high-conflict co-parent. This is according to the Tik Tok I was listening to. In that moment, my entire frame of mind concerning ex-wife 2 completely changed. Until that moment, I didn’t think Mr. Chao’s ex-wife 2 was high conflict, just a pain in the butt, but boy was I wrong.

List of reasons I should have known that ex-wife 2 was high-conflict in the beginning:

1. During the divorce proceedings, Ex-wife 2 withheld the children on two separate occasions, forcing Mr. Chaos to file for temporary matters with the court.
2. During his divorce, She refused to mediate during both court-ordered mediations.
3. He had a 2 day divorce trial and both of them only made lower middle class incomes. It took us 4 years to pay off the lawyer fees.
4. He was served with an illegal garnishment 4 weeks after we got married. The amount was over $5,000 for daycare and a personal loan. Somehow, it increased to $15,000.
   • I was available to watch them on his days. He did that for a few months until ex-wife 2 begged him to let her parents watch them. So she could see them every day after work.
   • The personal loan was never brought up for him to pay back until the divorce trial. Which was more than 3 years after the “loan.” He took care of things around their house that more than equaled up to the $5,000 “loan.” That including getting an extensive discount on home improvements. He would have made arrangements during that time had they communicated. He thought the extra help and the discount on home improvements evened them out.
5. When the illegal garnishment was thrown out, about 6 months later they tried again with a new lawyer and two separate cases. One in small claims court and one contempt of court charge in family court.
   • Both cases were dismissed.
6. Every time Mr. Chaos tried to do something outside of the court order, Ex-wife 2 requested something in return.

That was just the first 18 months after their separation. I understand when people first separate, things take time to figure out the new normal. It didn’t stop though. We found out years later that we just became numb to the high conflict. We lived in our own delusional state when it came to ex-wife 2.

We got to a point where we all could attend school conferences. We could be in the same room for school concerts and dance recitals. For the few years that 5 and 6 danced. There was a point in time where we had a group chat. I thought we were moving forward and doing what was in the best interest of the girls, but I was wrong, again.

She was NOT moving forward; she was distracting us.

While we were in and out of court, ex-wife 2 met her now-husband. They have been together almost as long as we have been.

We found out about them 5 months after they started dating by a family friend. While talking with her on the phone, she told me that maybe ex-wife 2 will leave us alone. She has a new boyfriend now.

I did a 2-minute research. I found out that he was a registered sex offender from another state. His victim was under the age of 13. I shook my head and sent a text to Mr. Chaos. It was the what was next with her.

Yes, it was extremely important, but I had 7’s first birthday party to shop for. It was the next day and I had been putting it off. It was payday and I had to pay a few bills before shopping. I checked our joint account online. $0.00. Our joint savings account: $0.00.

The same day we found out that Ex-wife 2 was dating a child sex offender was also the same day that her parents pushed through an illegal garnishment. They not only took the majority of Mr. Chaos’s paycheck but took EVERYTHING from our joint checking and savings account. They took ALL our money. What parent and grandparents take everything the same weekend THEIR grandchildren were with that said parent? HIGH-CONFLICT!

All the thoughts start swirling around in my mind. It was the day before 7’s FIRST birthday party and we had nothing bought, except an outfit. No food, decorations, no presents, NO MONEY.

We had 7 kids for 3 more days and no groceries. Who does that? Who does that to people while caring for their children/grandchildren over pettiness. I found out later that they had to specifically ask for a bank garnishment. Not only did they take 50% of his gross income. They (ex-wife 2 and her parents) choose to wipe his bank account out too. Loving caring family members, right?

NO MONEY

It was payday, and I owe for my mortgage and the timeshare my ex-husband and I own together. Credit card bills will be due by the end of the week. I just wrote a check to the dance studio the night before. I owe for dance pictures. I can’t buy them at any other time. How am I going to feed my kids? We have all 7 of them for the weekend through Wednesday. Where is my money? That was 2 weeks worth of paychecks for BOTH of us since I put off doing bills.

Before I knew it, I was on the ground sobbing.

This was the work of a high-conflict co-parent. They don’t care if the children are hurt in the process. All they want to do is make the other parent’s life miserable.

Fast forward years and all that court stuff is behind us. All 3 cases were dismissed. We were reimbursed the money that was taken, but I still had to file bankruptcy. Credit card companies and banks don’t like to wait 3 or more months to get their payments. They don’t care that an illegal garnishment happened.

Ex-wife 2 married the sex offender and they had a child together. We were under the impression that he wasn’t around while 5 and 6 were with ex-wife 2. Our gut instinct told us that they weren’t following the rules but no proof = nothing we can do.

We lived our life and they lived theirs.

We never got to a good spot with ex-wife 2. I realize it now. The civil drop-offs and pick-ups. The short conversations at the hockey games and school functions were all fake. 5 and 6 tell us stories that no children should have ever been in those situations. They lived it for years. It hurts knowing that us keeping the peace cost them so much. We thought we were doing the right thing by not interfering more than we did.

Looking Back

Red Flags that pointed to High-Conflict in our situation:

1. Any text message we received from ex-wife 2 caused panic.
2. Any text message that needed sent to ex-wife 2 caused major anxiety attacks. For Mr. Chaos and I, both.
3. Every birthday party for every single family member had to be planned around the parenting schedule. Otherwise, they couldn’t be a part of it. 5 and 6 never celebrated a birthday with their sibling on the day unless it fell on Mr. Chao’s parenting time.
4. All school functions were anxiety fueled leading up to the day, during the function and as we walked out. Even though it was almost 9 years post separation/divorce.
5. Every single text regarding 5 and 6 usually ended up a discussion regarding her husband being around the children. Ex-wife 2 requested that Mr. Chaos signed paperwork allowing contact between the sex offender husband and the children. Mr. Chaos response never changed. It was a very resounding no.
6. 5 and 6 always sat with Ex-wife 2 when at school functions, no matter who the parenting day it was. We didn’t want to cause any issues. 6 told me that if they didn’t sit with her, she would make them feel bad when they went back to her house.
7. Ex-wife 2 never brought 5 and 6 to see us at local sporting events but Mr. Chaos always took them to see her.
8. Everything 5 & 6 related always went back to Mr. Chaos signing papers for ex-wife 2’s husband to be allowed around the girls. Nothing was ever just about 5 & 6. It always was about Ex-wife 2 wanting to move on with her life and her husband.

Unfortunately, the list could continue endlessly. We only ever committed to never speaking negatively about their mother and kept our focus on 5 & 6.

Good News

In the last few months, after a long custody battle, Mr. Chaos has become the custodial parent. Ex-wife 2 is only allowed supervised visits at this point in time. She does have a step-up plan that she hasn’t started in the last 6 weeks since the ruling.

The only thing I know is that ex-wife 2 is what I would think would be a covert high conflict bio mom. On the surface, she looks like a loving, caring mother. She just hates her ex-husband but is willing to try to be in the same room as him.

The reality, she tried to destroy him using the courts and attempting to grow hate in 5 and 6’s heart. Luckily our perseverance and blind luck allowed us to remove the children from the situation for now.

They are receiving therapy and slowly coming out of their shell. Today was back-to-school shopping, something we do every year. This was the first year they could walk into a store and pick out things they loved. They were so brainwashed by bio-mom that they couldn’t participate in this beyond trying on clothes.

I’ve been told that they were not allowed to be happy here. Half their life they had to stay miserable or ex-wife 2 would give nasty looks or call us nasty names. That is high conflict. That is a bitter baby mama. That is not a good mom.

It doesn’t matter how much she spends on them (not even the bare minimum) or how much time she spends with them (they spent as much or more time with their grandparents). It doesn’t matter how many times she tells them she loves them.

If a parent can’t get over the hate of their ex and takes it out on the kids. That is not a parent who deserves to spend even 5 minutes alone with the children.

They are the high conflict bio-parent.

It took me listening to that Tik Tok before I realized we were living in high conflict. We lived through 8+ years of it before I even realized it. Once I knew, I was able to step back and see it.

Mr. Chaos has primary placement and ex-wife 2 has supervised visits. It helps knowing that it’s not our fault. No matter what we did, we were going to end up in court. It was never about the best interest of the children. It was always what ex-wife 2 wanted.

She wanted her husband and her happy little family. 5 & 6 and Mr. Chaos interfered with that but a “good mom” has custody of their kids. So, Ex-wife 2 wanted to keep up appearances. She forced Mr. Chaos into court so she can make him look like he was the bad guy. Poor her, Mr. Chaos took her kids away from her.

When in reality, she was a high-conflict parent that put her sex offender husband above 2 of her children. She put her ego and her emotional needs above 5 & 6. No loving, healthy, good parent does that.

Just love your kids more than you hate the other parent. Never speak ill of their other parent. Go to battle for your children when needed.