Take a peek into our chaos

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Something about the Christmas tree that brings out the entitlement of toxic family members. Why do holidays bring out the crazy in people? Sweet silence for the majority of the year. Then, BAM, the weather turns cold, the turkey is carved and then the text messages start.

“I have presents for my grandchildren!”

“Why won’t you let them see us!”

“Why are you keeping deserving grandparents away?”

“You are too controlling!”

“What are you scared of?”

Text messages that my husband, Mr. Chaos, received early Christmas Eve morning from his ex-father-in-law, Toxic Grandpa.

Rare Contact

Toxic Grandpa has only messaged a handful of times in almost 18 months. Most of the text messages were received in the last couple months. They were with similar demands and one veiled threat of legal action. I’m assuming he found out what we already know. Our state doesn’t have grandparent rights in our situation.

We took full custody of 5 and 6 almost 18 months ago. It was a long, exhausting court battle but in the end it was worth it. The judge ordered that Mr. Chaos is to keep primary physical custody. Their biological mom, ex-wife 2, was ordered a step up parenting plan beginning with paid supervised visits. It may seem harsh but it’s in the best interest of 5 and 6.

How to Handle Them?

We keep going back and forth. As a parent, this is a difficult situation. How to decide what is the right choice for your family? Do we remove the toxic family members or do we allow contact or some version of both? (see Toxic Grandparents and Adults Intimidating Children Hockey for more stories/information regarding ex-wife 2.)

Mr. Chaos and I debated what to do for months. We did research, talked to therapists, child advocates, and lawyers. 5 and 6 are at the in-between age. They are not quite children who need their parents to make all their choices for them. Yet, they are not quite adults who can process all the information and make an informed decision.

Toxic grandpa doesn’t see how his choice to protect his daughter hurt 5 and 6. He chose his daughter’s happiness over his grandchildren’s safety.

I know you are, but what am I?

He accused Mr. Chaos of being controlling, yet he refused to give 5 and 6 their Christmas gifts without visiting him. He can’t or refuses to see the truth. He is one of the controlling, manipulating people in his grandchildren’s lives. Not their father. Not me.

The Past

We tiptoed a fine line during the 8 years of the 50/50 custody split. We wanted to raise our kids in peace and turned a blind eye. We didn’t care what or who Ex-wife 2 did on her free time. 5 and 6 were our only priority and we had more faith in Ex-wife 2 then we should have. We thought we were doing right by them by not pushing or asking more questions. We lived our life and she lived hers.

Recently

In 2023, we hit a crossroad. We had proof that Ex-wife 2 allowed contact between 5 and 6 and her new husband, the sex offender. Mr. Chaos refused to send them back to their mother for her parenting time while the sex offender husband was visiting. (see Ex-Wife 2: Her Drama Causing Trauma for more stories/information regarding ex-wife 2.)

I do not recommend this. He was advised against it by his lawyer and the cops due to the court ordered parenting plan. He had to make the decision for the safety of 5 and 6. They were in immediate danger. They were coached to lie about being around and left alone with a convicted child sex offender. He took the risk to protect them.

When he refused to return 5 and 6, he contacted Toxic Grandparents. He tried to keep them in the kid’s lives. He had a heated conversation with them and then they spoke with 5 and 6 alone. The minute toxic grandparents heard we were out of the room, they started speaking ill of Mr. Chaos.

5 told us she felt unsupported. At the request of 5 and 6 we supported contact but didn’t push contact with Toxic Grandparents. They were never left alone nor were forced to speak with them again.

The nastiness escalated then they went silent.

Random Text Messages

“You should be ashamed of yourself”

“Can we say manipulated”

Text messages 5 and 6 received before their Toxic Grandparents went dark.

As time went on with little contact, the more apparent the toxicity was. 5 and 6 finally felt free to tell their story. From a parent’s standpoint, I am appalled and heartbroken we were not able to step in sooner.

Now

5 is and 6 are just starting their teen years. These are important years for their personal development. I am only their stepmom and if I am not careful they could start to hate me. Blame me for what happened. I am aware and everything I do, I keep this in mind.

5 and 6’s mom moved states away. She can’t waltz back into their life. It would be easy to cut ties and quit trying to keep her active in their life. Pretend their little sister doesn’t exist. Many parents choose this but we are not them.

It would be easy for Mr. Chaos to cut Toxic Grandparents off. We could spend the next few years talking about how wrong their mom and her side of their family was. Plant nasty thoughts in 5 and 6’s head. Block everyone and pretend they don’t exist but that is not us.

We could let 5 and 6 visit their toxic grandparents, but is that really a good idea? Allowing them to bribe their way in. Unsupervised visits while we ignore the glaring red flags? That sounds like an easy way out, but at what cost? Pretend they are the loving, caring grandparents we want them to be but we can’t return to that.

As much as no fighting or anxiety surrounding 5 and 6’s maternal side sounds amazing. Mr. Chaos can’t sweep what they allowed under a rug. Mr. Chaos can’t ignore what Toxic Grandparents stayed silent. We choose not to ignore the wishes of 5 and 6.

What is right for our family

After careful consideration, Mr. Chaos decided against cutting ties with Toxic Grandparents but established clear boundaries. They are permitted to communicate 5 and 6 through their phones. We do not encourage or discourage contact. If either child chooses to pursue a relationship, they have the opportunity to do so. We will support what choice they make.

This is something we have discussed in depth. There is no blueprint. No right or wrong. Every family is different. We had to make a decision we felt was the right for 5 and 6.

As parents, we will put up with the random barrage of text messages. We will continue to explain to the toxic grandparents why they don’t have unfettered contact with 5 and 6. We will keep space in our hearts that hopefully one day they will wake up and choose to do better. Until then, we will protect our children from their actions.