Take a peek into our chaos

Photo by Nick Scheerbart on Unsplash

When the sh*t hit the fan last summer, my husband, Mr. Chaos requested a school-based therapist for 5 and 6, 2 of our children of our blended family. We were lucky they were assigned to the most amazing one. Months later, after a long drawn out ordeal, they started seeing a not so great family therapist. See Ex-wife 2 Her Drama Causing Trauma for more on all the sh*t our family has gone through.

Individual Therapy

Their individual therapist helped them work through the limbo we lived in during the child custody modification case. Mr. Chaos was forced to file for the modification to protect 5 and 6 from their mother, Ex-wife 2’s, dangerous life choices.

She helped them identify the difference between safe and unsafe people in their lives. She helped them recognize their self worth. Most importantly, teach them that they are children and not responsible for adults in their lives happiness. She become a safe space for them.

PSA

Don’t “lean” on your children through the hard times. Find a fucking therapist, another grown-up, bartender, almost any adult but not your children. They may be your reason for pushing through the hard times but they should never feel responsible for your mental health. Just my personal thought…plus many, many professionals that work with children.

Where the Road to Family Therapy started

During one of 5’s early sessions, she requested a family therapy session that included Mr. Chaos, me and their mother. She wanted all of us to get along. Very normal for a child.

We have tried our best and have gone far beyond what a normal parent would be willing to do. Far beyond what Ex-wife 2 is willing to do. We are stuck in the middle trying to support 5 and 6’s relationship with Ex-wife 2. At the same time, we are making tough decisions that are needed to protect them.

Temporary Matters Mediation

Mr. Chaos would not have physical custody without their therapist’s testimony. I contacted her before Mr. Chaos’s temporary matters mediation. She had been seeing 5 and 6 for a month at that point.

We wanted her advice on what was in the best interest of 5 and 6. Does Mr. Chaos fight to keep them? Does he easily let them go back? Her professional opinion mattered to us. We wanted to help and not cause more damage.

Just in Nick of Time

My phone buzzed with an incoming email. My heart started pounding. Mild reaction. During that time, usually, I would feel faint and/or nauseous with any emails, calls, or texts regarding the court case.

I received her response as Mr. Chaos and I were walking into the lawyer’s office for the mediation. Her advice forever changed our lives in that moment.

She believed that unsupervised contact between 5 and 6 and Ex-wife 2 would be detrimental to their mental health. We were stunned, we finally had someone acknowledge our concerns. It was the beginning of the tide turning for us (and the girls) instead of against us.

As soon as the email was discussed with the recounting of when 5 and 6 ran away from her the week before. Ex-wife 2 reluctantly agreed that her visits moving forward would be supervised. She agreed they can continue individual therapy, another big win for 5 and 6. In the past, she denied our many attempts to start therapy. Last but not least, she agreed to family therapy. All wins for the children.

Maybe the Beginning of Family Healing

5 and 6 refused family therapy unless Mr. Chaos and I were present. Big problem. Only thing Ex-wife 2 hates more than Mr. Chaos, is me.

Ex-wife 2 demanded it only be her and 5 and 6. Ex-wife 2 makes the simplest tasks the most difficult. Why can’t she do what is best for 5 and 6? They are children and their feelings should matter more than hers. She is the parent and she unilaterally made decisions that put us in this situation. It is infuriating.

After speaking with Ex-wife 2, 5 and 6’s individual therapist attempted to set up an adults only session. She wanted all the adults to be on the same page before adding 5 and 6. Makes sense considering we were fighting in court for custody.

After days of some back and forth, the first session was set up. It included Mr. Chaos, me, Ex-wife 2, and her mother, Toxic Grandma.

Why her Mother, You Ask?

Well, Ex-wife 2 originally demanded to include her sex offender husband but he was not allowed to visit the clinic due to his status. She could not understand why her sex offender husband couldn’t come to the office.

It was a children’s ONLY therapy office. A man who is convicted of a sexual offense against minor can’t come to an office designated for children… makes sense to us normal folk.

So, she refused to set up a session until it was “fair” to her. Some people would think this was normal but I am not one of those people. Ex-wife 2 is selfish. We were in this dumpster fire due to years of her selfish behavior forgetting she was supposed to be a mother first and single woman second.

Getting Somewhere

The therapist agreed to allow her mom to come with her so would have some support since Jerry had me. He didn’t need me to support him. We were attending to support the wishes of 5. In our family, kids are most important. Yes, our marriage is a priority but we both give 150% when it comes to supporting our blended family. Weird thought, I know.

We were happy to finally be moving forward. We were optimistic and full of anxiety going into that first session. See The First Family Therapy Session for that sh*t show.

There was a second session set up and unfortunately, fortunately, it was canceled due to illness. Fortunately it was canceled but unfortunately for the reason. Whew, we were given a reprieve to recover from that first session.

Nothing can ever be Simple

When the therapist contacted us to have it rescheduled, Ex-wife 2 ignored the group chat. From my understanding she and their individual therapist had a conversation separate from us. Oh, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.

At that time, the girl’s individual therapist removed herself as an option. I completely understood her decision. The first session was unhinged and Ex-wife 2 is delusional.

First Official Court Hearing

Ex-wife 2 forced a court hearing for temporary matters because they only came to a partial agreement during mediation. She felt that Mr. Chaos could be in contempt and she wanted to go before a Judge. No, he wasn’t, that was laughable. Remember, she is delulu.

She was upset that Mr. Chaos didn’t force 5 and 6 to spend hours with her at her beck and call. She would tell anyone who would listen a sob story about how Mr. Chaos overnight turned her babies against her. Not even close to reality.

The Reality

The nice version, she made poor parenting decisions. She put 5 and 6 in danger and neglected their physical and mental health. She made them lie and live 2 separate lives so she could date, marry, then have a baby with a child sex offender. 5 and 6 stopped being a priority when she met the sex offender.

The Ruling

Finally, we had a court-ordered temporary parenting plan to follow. Maybe the crazy can be contained? Maybe?

The judge ordered that the supervised visits were to continue. The day of the week they would take place and the duration of the visit. She appointed three supervisors that 5 and 6 felt comfortable with and leeway to add more if both parties agreed. Yeah, right we know better but hey she tried.

Individual therapy for the girls and family therapy for 5 and 6 and both parents will continue. She didn’t assign a specific family therapist but ordered it is to be agreed upon within 7 days and the court will be updated within 14 days. Will they never learn…

No Cooperation Like Usual

A few days following the court hearing, 5 and 6’s individual therapist attempted to help set up for another family therapist in the same clinic. She was recommended by Ex-wife 2’s lawyer and Mr. Chaos agreed.

We had a group chat from when we previously set up therapy, but I mistakenly sent a message to the group instead of the therapist.

Me to the group chat, “She is out of town and you know what happens then.”

Oops! A day later, Ex-wife 2 actually responded to that text.

Ex-wife 2: “Please tell me what happens when I visit my husband, my daughter and my in-laws because last I knew we are not friends.”

Me: “You don’t usually respond until you get back from your trip or your husband leaves.”

Ex-wife 2: “I am on a trip out of state, visiting family. I am not always available. Pretty typical.”

Me: “Ok, you have a good day”

The Backlash, Oh My!

It wasn’t some huge dramatic fight. Ex-wife 2 thought she had one over me, but in actuality, she acknowledged that her husband and young child take priority over 5 and 6, even if it’s court ordered.

This was 4 days before the court’s deadline. Cherry on top, she skipped her first court-ordered visit with 5 and 6 due to her being out of state on said visit to see her other more important family.

Mom has Rights! When She has Free time

At this time, she has seen the children for a total of maybe 5 hours in 4 months. $1200 for the hearing she forced to get herself some more court-ordered time with 5 and 6.

Her first visit, she leaves town and cancels. In those 4 months, her husband and young child stayed with her 3 weeks and this was her third trip to visit them once they left the state.

One would think a mother that is being “alienated” against would be more motivated to get family therapy started. I don’t know a mom who wouldn’t give it their all to quickly repair their relationship. Court-ordered or not.

Nope, not her; but then again, we are in this mess because she continually prioritized her convicted child sex offender husband and the new family she made with him.

No Family Therapy on the Horizon

3 more months went by and the court set a hearing for sanctions. I was freaking out and full of anxiety. I didn’t know what it meant. What more could we do?

I finally heard back from Mr. Chaos’ lawyer. The 5 hours I waited was brutal. I was told it was a hearing regarding the court-ordered family therapy and mediation. I was reassured not to worry because Mr. Chaos has agreed to two separate family therapists and Ex-wife 2’s lawyer is not responding. My guess, Ex-wife 2 wasn’t responding to him. It wasn’t our fault and we are not doing anything wrong.

Final meditation wasn’t scheduled due to family therapy. Both lawyers agreed they wanted some family therapy sessions to happen before mediation. The trial was steadily approaching. 3 months until trial and the judge will make their final decision. It’s not looking good for Ex-wife 2 but she is still reverting to the crocodile tears when the difficult questions are asked.

Finally, Maybe there is Hope

One day Mr. Chaos received a phone call from a family therapist. The original family therapist. You know the one that he agreed to in the court-ordered timely fashion. The one that Ex-wife 2 changed her mind and wanted to go a different route. Then silence… I wonder what caused her to change her mind.

If one was facing court sanctions, it might just light a fire under someone to accomplish a few things. One might think.

The court sanctions hearing that was scheduled for two weeks out, was canceled. Someone finally followed through. I’ll give you a hint if you need one.

Family Therapy Intake

We went into that first session with high hopes but it was biased from the beginning. I don’t know what sob story was told to her but I was baffled.

She had access to 5 and 6’s therapy notes. She worked at the same clinic as their individual therapist. Every other professional could see through Ex-wife 2’s lies but she hasn’t spent any time with 5 and 6. Maybe once does, she will see.

Court Ordered and No Other Options

We have to send 5 and 6 into these therapy sessions unprotected. While the judge ordered that Mr. Chaos be a party to the therapy sessions, this therapist told us that she will not allow a judge to dictate how she conducts her sessions.

We saw the red flags but it took us months to get to this point. We have tried everything else. Final mediation is dependent on the start of family therapy. We were stuck between a rock and a hard place. Mr. Chaos decided to let them attend with the red flags flapping in the wind.

It was the start of a difficult six-month ordeal. In the end, it didn’t fix the damage; it only made it worse, and it was beyond our control. We did our best to protect them. After each family therapy session, they worked with their individual therapist to understand the discussions and separate the lies from the few truths. It was the best we could do.