In normal circumstances children need both sides of their families. Unfortunately, when one side is toxic, a parent has to make the hard decision. Do they keep or cut out the toxic family. Mr. Chaos, my husband’s, ex-in-laws are toxic. He has to make the decision since he was awarded physical custody of 5 and 6. They are 2 of our 8 children.
A little backstory.
We will call ex-wife 2’s parent’s toxic grandparents since the nickname fits. They supported ex-wife 2 when she dated then married a child sex offender after she divorced, Mr. Chaos. They helped hide the illegal contact between their new son-in-law, 5 and 6.
For more than half of 5 and 6’s life, they were forced to cover for their mom. They hide that life from us. While toxic grandparents encouraged and occasionally participated in the lying and the cover-ups. (see Ex-Wife 2: Trauma and Drama for more stories regarding ex-wife 2.)
We are not bitter, only protective.
Despite what ex-wife 2 and her family claim, Mr. Chaos and I are being honest. We only supported and protected 5 and 6. If we are at fault, it’s for trusting 5 and 6 and helping them find the courage to share their story.
A parent’s job is to protect their children.
This is difficult. Knowing what to do. Trying to figure out the right path for 5 and 6. Make sure they feel heard but do what a parent has to do. Mr. Chaos and I struggle with the decision. We have weighed the good and bad. How do we dismiss the abuse?
- How do we move past knowing that toxic grandparent’s covered for their daughter?
- How do we sweep under the rug their manipulation tactics and toxicity towards 5 and 6 since they cut contact?
- The most important factor, 5’s and 6’s feelings. It’s important for them to feel heard.
Mr. Chaos needs to decide soon because the hockey season is starting. Why is hockey season important? We will be seeing them regularly. We all have season tickets to our local hockey league: toxic grandparents, us, and 5 through 8.
A parent’s happiness is not a child’s job.
Toxic grandma put Ex-wife 2’s emotional well-being on 2 preteens. According to her, “They should be ashamed of themselves” because they refused to have lunch with ex-wife 2 at school.
How does a 60+ year old woman not understand that an 11 & 12 year old (Their ages at that time) are not responsible for their mother’s happiness?
Toxic grandpa bombarded them with text messages. One message sent said, “Can we say manipulated.”
All these poor girls did was speak their truth. That’s it.
My problem with toxic grandparents.
How can you say you love and adore 5 and 6, yet let them live in the lies.
Completely disregarding what the lies did to their mental health. They were supposed to protect these girls but they allowed ex-wife 2 to serve them up on a platter. They taught them to be silent.
Toxic grandparents only communicated with 5 and 6. They didn’t check in with Mr. Chaos about their grandchildren whom they supposedly adore. They attacked the children directly behind their keyboards.
“They miss and love their grandchildren.” (insert eye roll here)
After a year of silence, Mr. Chaos received 2 phone calls in one week from toxic grandpa. He and toxic grandma want to have contact with 5 and 6.
It’s difficult to figure out what is right for the girls. On one hand, they need their family but on the other hand, that family is toxic. A decision must be made soon. Hockey season is coming fast and we don’t want a repeat from last season. We just want to make the best decision for 5 and 6.
Hockey: Last Season.
Last year’s hockey season started off rough. Being in the same location as toxic grandparents. During the season opener, I took the littles and 1 to the game on my own. Mr. Chaos had to work. The night progressed into 5 and 6 in tears, and I made the decision to leave the game early. (See Adults Intimidating Children Hockey for the full story)
Game night #2 wasn’t much better.
We were invited to 2’s boyfriend’s birthday party during the day. 5 was invited to stay the night at a friend’s house. 6 hung out with a friend for the evening so she could skip the game. The rest of us had the hockey game to go to. I was optimistic that the night would go better than the night before (I will never learn).
We rushed around and got everyone dropped off. The day did not go according to plan but Mr. Chaos, 7, 8, and I were on our way to the game.
We arrived just before puck drop. We had to eat at the game since we ran out of time. My perfect planned day was wrecked all to pieces but we were going to have fun.
Mr. Chaos, 7, 8 and I scanned our tickets in and we walked among the excitement. I took a quick potty break while Mr. Chaos ordered our food. $40 for us to share, so chicken tenders and fries was what was for dinner but it was food. Songs were sung and the teams were introduced and the first few minutes went along well. It was a peaceful few minutes.
Toxic Grandparents antics.
Toxic grandparents were in their normal seats a few sections away from us. My aunt was in attendance again along with my cousin. Their seats are directly above us in the handicap area.
I glanced at Mr. Chaos and he was smiling towards the toxic grandparents and flipped them off. I grabbed his finger and I knew something was happening without my knowledge.
At some point, toxic grandpa started his staring intimidation tactic. Then he flipped off Mr. Chaos.
Similar as the night before. Thankfully, 5 and 6 weren’t with us. The intimidation didn’t work like last night. Mr. Chaos lets the usher know about toxic grandpa’s shenanigans. It potentially can become an issue.
Upping their foolishness.
Toward the end of the first period, a guy was standing in the handicap area. I didn’t think much of it. For safety reasons, people congregate there for the puck to stop.
I turned back to the game. The puck stopped and the guy was standing at Mr. Chaos and offered his hand. He takes it and asks the guy, “Do I know you?”
I can smell the alcohol on him.
“No, but I know toxic grandpa.”
He continues, “Toxic grandpa is a good guy and just wants to see his grandchildren. Why are you withholding them?”
The guy won’t leave and the puck is back in play. We are calling for the usher to call security to come and get this guy.
The usher has changed from the one prior. Mr. Chaos is furious because the guy won’t move and let us out of our seats. The drunk guy with a grudge has blocked our seats.
Where is security?
We are yelling for security. The usher is looking at us then away with her little stop sign doing absolutely nothing.
7 and 8 are sitting right next to us. I am worried about how the situation could affect them. I am doing everything in my power to keep Mr. Chaos calm and get help to resolve the situation quickly.
Mr. Chaos was able to push around the guy and get free. I am left face to face with this stranger. He reeks of alcohol and keeps repeating himself.
“Toxic grandpa is a good guy and just wants to see his grandchildren.”
I tell him, “You don’t know the full story.”
I think to myself, if only he knew the truth. At that point, only close family and friends knew the extent of what we were going through. What 5 and 6 have been through at the hands of ex-wife 2 and her family.
Finally Some Help. Mr. Chaos is flagged down a representative for our home team. He escorts the guy away and period 1 ends. Intermission starts.
The original usher is back. He went on break. We still wonder to this day if toxic grandpa knew the usher and that was a reason for her lack of help.
I will not be intimidated by cowards.
It’s our turn to talk to the representative. He is chatting with my aunt. We explain that we have temporary custody of 5 and 6. That toxic grandparents are their grandparents. Their daughter (Ex-wife 2) married a child sex offender and allowed contact.
Toxic grandparents no longer have contact with 5 and 6. Since they keep ignoring their calls and text messages. Toxic grandparents tried to use the hockey games to intimidate us.
I’m not sugar-coating anything. I’m done trying to be nice when they are not putting 5 and 6’s best interest first. Their selfishness is shining through, and I’m done. I’m over trying to work with Ex-wife 2 since she put 5 and 6 in danger. Toxic grandparents put 7 and 8 in danger tonight by sending a drunk person to attempt to intimidate us. We tell him what happened the night before and that night so far.
I will not be pushed around any longer.
They want a fight; I will give them a fight. I will not be pushed around any longer for the sake of trying to get along. We made that mistake and have learned from it. We turned a blind eye and ignored our gut regarding the sex offender husband.
The rep doesn’t want anything to happen during the game. He assured us that if toxic grandparents continue to cause problems; they will be tossed from the game. They will forfeit their season tickets. I expressed that I wanted an incident report filed and a copy sent to me.
We finish the night without any other incidents. The toxic grandpa didn’t even look in our direction. The rest of the season went by with no other problems.
For the following few games we attended, a sheriff or security guard was stationed nearby. They were within earshot of us. 5 and 6 told me that they felt safer with Daddy and the extra security.
What would I like to say to them if I had the chance?
First, I have a bunch of questions not that I think they would have good answers.
- Why do you hate us so much?
- Why couldn’t you move past your bitterness?
- Why did you stay silent when 5 and 6 was put in danger?
- Why couldn’t you love your grandchildren more than you hated their father?
- Don’t you understand your hatred of us hurt the girls?
- Don’t you understand that children internalize the hate of a parent?
The decade of hate did nothing but put the children in the middle. They had to choose. You made them choose. They wanted to love and be happy with both parents.
How could you stay silent? You put them in danger. You sat in silence while your daughter brought a child sex offender into your grandchildren’s lives. He was a stranger to you and your daughter. You couldn’t be bothered to even google his name. YOU couldn’t be bothered to make a coupe phone calls. Your daughter’s happiness TRUMPED your grandchildren’s safety. GOD FORBID, one of them discloses something. It’s on you! Your fucking silence!
Yes, I’m mad. Actually, I am furious. I am furious with them. With ourselves. We let them push us around under the guise of trying to co-parent.
Today
My anger continues. Now you speak up! Not to protect 5 and 6, but you want Mr. Chaos to find it in his heart to allow contact. Funny thing, these grandchildren you say you love so much and will do anything for, refuse your phone calls. They also refuse the majority of your texts. So, obviously, you did something or maybe it was the lack of something.
Your silence towards their father showed 5 and 6 that their mothers feelings are more important. Your text messages to 5 and 6 showed you support their mom over their well-being. Why would you expect a child to have a relationship with someone like you?
Secrets
Mr. Chaos has to decide. Will he allow contact or will he cut contact. Up until a year ago, Toxic grandparents were a large part of 5 and 6’s lives. We found out that at one point it felt like they moved in with them. That was one of their many secrets.
Toxic grandparents take no responsibility for their actions or lack thereof. 5 and 6 do miss them but they don’t miss the drama, lies or hate. They miss the fun times but they don’t think they can have the fun times without all the baggage.
Hard conversations with the children.
During a long discussion with the 5 and 6. We had a difficult talk about their toxic grandparents. They know that toxic grandparents may never choose to do what’s right. 5 was in tears. She knows her grandparents are not safe people. She knows in her heart that her toxic grandparents will always put Ex-wife 2’s feelings first.
Over the past year, 5 & 6 have disclosed so much about their lives with Ex-wife 2 and toxic grandparents. They still love them, unsafe or not. They miss them but they don’t want to go back to their life from before.
We have had many conversations about loving unsafe people from a distance. They both acknowledge they may have to love their toxic grandparents from a distance. A difficult thing to do as an adult let alone as a 12 and 13 year old.
Hate shatters lives.
I wish toxic grandparents could see how this hate has devastated 5 and 6. How allowing their heart to cloud their judgment caused so much trauma. 5 doesn’t remember most of her childhood. Their hatred caused them to stay silent and never tell Mr. Chaos what was happening.
They even brought 5 and 6 to see their baby sister in the hospital when she was born. Usually an exciting, fun time. The husband was present and they took a group picture that can never be shared with the outside world. It was ILLEGAL for the husband to be present in the same room as 5 and 6.
They live in a delusional state. Their protection of Ex-wife 2 taught their grandchildren to be silent. Be silent while the sex offender husband doesn’t follow any of the laws. Laws that protect 5 and 6.
I know in my heart they won’t see what they allowed to happen. They will blame Mr. Chaos and me for removing them from 5’s and 6’s lives. I don’t care anymore what anyone thinks.
In reality, all we did was protect 5 and 6. That should have happened a lot sooner than it did. Mr. Chaos and I will have to live with that for the rest of our lives. We will never allow our willingness to work with the other family blind us from the truth.
Family therapy.
Mr. Chaos is court-ordered to do family therapy with Ex-wife 2, 5 and 6. During a session, Mr. Chaos discussed with Ex-wife 2, her parents, Toxic grandparents. Their text messages, phone calls, lies, disparaging words and attempted forced hugs on 5 and 6. According to Toxic grandma, she never has to ask permission for a hug. She is Grandma!
Once their family therapist found out the full truth. She conveyed to Ex-wife 2 that her parents were very inappropriate. She believed toxic grandparents should only have supervised time with 5 and 6.
Mr. Chaos was relieved to hear and it made the decision that much easier. Toxic grandparents will have supervised visits with them for now on our schedule. What our gut told us to do from the beginning.
Parents listen to your instinct.
Mr. Chaos and I should have known to go with our gut. It has been right since he made the decision to never send them back to Ex-wife 2’s for her parenting time. However, we always second guess ourselves.
We prioritize the safety and needs of 5 and 6, putting aside personal opinions and valuing their thoughts and feelings. We try to balance the children’s wishes with the difficult decisions that a parent has to make. Mr. Chaos makes the final decisions with my feedback. We try to work as a team.
Attempting to build a bridge.
Mr. Chaos decided to send a message to toxic grandpa in response to his 2 phone calls. Maybe we can work together so toxic grandparents won’t stay toxic. Maybe, they will see their actions were wrong and we can move forward in a positive light.
In my gut, I know they won’t change. They spent almost a decade being nice to our face and nasty behind our backs.
As parents, we will do anything for 5 and 6. Even if that means we put up with toxic grandparents. However, they need to prove they can be a safe place for 5 and 6.
Wishful thinking and a time for healing.
We have not heard back from him. It’s been 9 days since the message was sent. We don’t think he will respond and if he does, it will not be pleasant.
They feel entitled to 5 and 6’s time. I told Mr. Chaos that if responding to that text wasn’t a priority then neither is stopping by during the hockey games. It is time we have solid boundaries and we uphold them.
Last year toxic grandparents used hockey games to start drama. I was hoping that maybe this year it can be the place where the healing starts. But that turned out to be nothing but wishful thinking. Toxic grandparents have gone silent once again.
Children’s best interest should always be put first.
Parent’s do what is best for your child! Other’s feelings don’t matter. Protect your babies and their mental health.
When the toxic person proves they are going to stay toxic. Cut the toxic out. Remove it as soon as you realize they will not grow. Parents teach your children it’s okay to love from a distance and sometimes it’s necessary.
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